includes more sketches and information from these Aussie NOBA Specials.
AND DUD HOMEWARD BOUND
[ PETE and DUD take their seats on a plane for the flight
home. DUD starts fidgeting around in his seat. ]
PETE: Oh do stop messing about with those flight instructions
and socks and everything.
DUD: Look! [holds up a sleeping mask] Some
little lady's left her bra behind.
PETE: You put that over your eyes when you want to go to
I'm not putting a used lady's bra over my eyes, mate.
PETE: That is not a used lady's bra, it is a brand new sleeping
DUD: Oh. [Puts mask on] High-ho Silver and away!
I refuse to play Tonto to your Lone Ranger. Get if off and stop
[ STEWARDESS approaches ]
STEWARDESS: Champagne, sir?
DUD: No thanks. Just a cup of tea and two straws for my
friend and me.
PETE: On second thoughts, lovely hostess, I'll have a pint
of draught Tia Maria if you have it. Thank you.
DUD: Thank you. [She exits] Lovely lady that,
DUD: It's amazing to think, Pete, that in a mere thirty-five
hours we're going to be back in Beacontree Avenue, Dagenham, dear
old Dagenham, tanned and fit after the hospitality of the sunny
PETE: Tell me, Dud, what memories, apart from those fourteen
full page photo blow-ups from page three of the Sydney Sunday Mirror,
which memories will you treasure most of your visit to this vast
and hospitable continent?
DUD: Tricky one. I think possibly the sounds of nature,
Pete. The lilting burp of the Coca-Cola Bears as they hiccup in
the eucalyptus tree.
PETE: Oh yes. Not to mention the ceaseless humming of the
cicadas as they rub their legs against each other in an attempt
to attract their mate.
DUD: Not to mention the ceaseless humming of the Australians
as they rub their legs against each other having already attracted
Well, you know what makes them so virile? It's all this sun and
DUD: And the fresh beer.
PETE: That helps a lot as well. Mind you, I think the Australian
male tends to treat the opposite sex, i.e. the er -
PETE: - to coin a phrase, ladies, tends to treat them with
less deference and politeness than their pulchritude deserves.
DUD: I think the Australian lady appreciates the 'olde worlde'
charm of the English visitor. His touch, his inbred courtesy -
PETE: You didn't curtsey to them, did you?
DUD: No, politeness, courtesy.
PETE: I thought you meant you went down on your knees to
DUD: Well, I did go down on my knees to one of them, but
she hit me over the head with her surf board.
PETE: Can't say I blame her. Mind you, I understand you
did far rather better in Dirty Dick's Striporama See-Through Go-Go
DUD: Oh, a wonderful time. Well, I got on very well there.
She was a wonderful girl. Very sweet, warm, strange, innocent creature
with a diffident charm and huge knockers.
PETE: How did you hap upon her?
I happed upon her in a rather wonderful, romantic way. I was strolling
down Kings Cross of an evening, it was quite late, a bit tuckered
out, and I thought, "Well, why not pop down to Dirty Dick's
for a cup of cocoa." So I went down there and had a cup of
cocoa, and then this vision, this dream came up to me and asked
me for a light and a magnum of champagne. Charming gesture.
PETE: Charming gesture to you, a total stranger.
DUD: Exactly. Anyway, we got talking, you know, and she
was very shy, so it was only after quite a few magnums that she
started to open out a bit, you know, tell me about herself and her
PETE: I understand she was some kind of social worker doing
rehabilitation work for American G.I.s?
DUD: Yes. A very dedicated lass. A wonderful girl. Anyway,
the evening went on and we talked and that, and after the second
cup of cocoa I started to get a bit, you know, randy. A bit hot
pants and that. I got her onto the dance floor and we started dancing
and one thing led to another -
PETE: - as it invariably does -
- in the human course of events. I invited her to come and listen
to my collection of Slim Dusty at my pied-à-terre at Spit
PETE: What did she say to this alluring invitation?
DUD: She said to me, "I thought you would never ask,
my darling." My heart
Anyway, she said, "Just give
me a tick, I'll be off to the powder room. Give me ten dollars to
tip the cloakroom attendant and I'll be back in a jiffy." And
she gave me the thumbs-up sign and I never saw her again.
PETE: What? She gave you the thumbs-up sign?
PETE: How, exactly?
DUD: Well, she said, "See you in a tick," and
went [gives thumbs-up sign], like that.
PETE: I think you should realize, Dud, that Australia, being
the other side of the world, so to speak Down Under, the thumbs-up
sign Down Under is, in fact, thumbs down! In fact, thumbs-up in
Australia can be a rather rude expression. I think she gave you
the brush off.
DUD: Oh no, no, I don't think so. I prefer to think she
was called out on some urgent social work. I don't think anything
of that sort was happening at all. Anyway, I didn't bother hanging
around and I whipped off about nine o'clock in the morning.
PETE: Did you catch her name?
DUD: No, she didn't give it to me, but I asked the barman
afterwards and he said she was A. Pro.
DUD: He didn't know. So I looked it up in the telephone
directory but the only one Pro there was Albert Pro. I thought,
"That can't be her." I think she must be ex-directory.
PETE: Yeah, being a shy girl maybe she likes to be ex-directory.
DUD: I think so, yeah.
PETE: Mind you, I haven't had much time while I've been
here for romanticising. I've been busy wheeling and dealing on the
Sydney Stock Market, and I think I've done some very good deals.
I was very lucky to meet this gentleman in a telephone booth who
gave me a very hot tip. Apparently there's a new company just been
formed called Fly-By-Night Metal Ltd. This is very hush-hush so
don't tell anybody, but they have discovered nickel under the Sydney
PETE: No, nickel, the valuable ore.
DUD: Marvelous, that is. That'll give you a fortune. Well,
I was lucky too, 'cos I met a gentleman who said, "Would you
like to invest three dollars in this new Birdsville real estate
PETE: Oh yeah?
DUD: Apparently it's going to be the holiday haunt of the
PETE: Well, it's got everything.
DUD: Miles and miles of beautiful sand.
PETE: All specially tinted red by Antonio several years
DUD: It's going to be a knockout, that.
PETE: It's going to be a boomtown.
DUD: Make a fortune.
That's the wonderful thing about Australia. Look, here we are, two
Pommie - you know what they call us?
PETE: Baskets. Here we are, only been here a few weeks,
and yet already I feel accepted. Already I feel I've really been
RETURN TO TOP