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  Homeward Bound

In this final sketch Pete and Dud are about to fly home, following their Anitpodean adventure.

 Peter Cook Presents The Misty Mr. Wisty LP
audio files taken from the wonderful 1965 album.
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Pub&Bed#24 includes more sketches and information from these Aussie NOBA Specials.

PETE: Oh do stop messing about with those flight instructions and socks and everything.PETE AND DUD HOMEWARD BOUND

[ PETE and DUD take their seats on a plane for the flight home. DUD starts fidgeting around in his seat. ]

PETE: Oh do stop messing about with those flight instructions and socks and everything.

DUD: Look! [holds up a sleeping mask] Some little lady's left her bra behind.

PETE: You put that over your eyes when you want to go to sleep.

DUD: Some little lady's left her bra behind.DUD: I'm not putting a used lady's bra over my eyes, mate.

PETE: That is not a used lady's bra, it is a brand new sleeping mask.

DUD: Oh. [Puts mask on] High-ho Silver and away!

High-ho Silver and away!PETE
: I refuse to play Tonto to your Lone Ranger. Get if off and stop messing about.

[ STEWARDESS approaches ]

STEWARDESS: Champagne, sir?

DUD: No thanks. Just a cup of tea and two straws for my friend and me.

PETE: On second thoughts, lovely hostess, I'll have a pint of draught Tia Maria if you have it. Thank you.

DUD: Thank you. [She exits] Lovely lady that, aint it?

Champagne?PETE: Oh yes.

DUD: It's amazing to think, Pete, that in a mere thirty-five hours we're going to be back in Beacontree Avenue, Dagenham, dear old Dagenham, tanned and fit after the hospitality of the sunny antipodeans.

PETE: Tell me, Dud, what memories, apart from those fourteen full page photo blow-ups from page three of the Sydney Sunday Mirror, which memories will you treasure most of your visit to this vast and hospitable continent?

DUD: Tricky one. I think possibly the sounds of nature, Pete. The lilting burp of the Coca-Cola Bears as they hiccup in the eucalyptus tree.

PETE: Oh yes. Not to mention the ceaseless humming of the cicadas as they rub their legs against each other in an attempt to attract their mate.

DUD: Not to mention the ceaseless humming of the Australians as they rub their legs against each other having already attracted their mate.

The lovely Pete.PETE: Well, you know what makes them so virile? It's all this sun and fresh air.

: And the fresh beer.

PETE: That helps a lot as well. Mind you, I think the Australian male tends to treat the opposite sex, i.e. the er -

DUD: Ladies.

PETE: - to coin a phrase, ladies, tends to treat them with less deference and politeness than their pulchritude deserves.

DUD: I think the Australian lady appreciates the 'olde worlde' charm of the English visitor. His touch, his inbred courtesy -

PETE: You didn't curtsey to them, did you?

DUD: No, politeness, courtesy.

PETE: I thought you meant you went down on your knees to them.

DUD: Well, I did go down on my knees to one of them, but she hit me over the head with her surf board.

PETE: Can't say I blame her. Mind you, I understand you did far rather better in Dirty Dick's Striporama See-Through Go-Go Bar?

DUD: Oh, a wonderful time. Well, I got on very well there. She was a wonderful girl. Very sweet, warm, strange, innocent creature with a diffident charm and huge knockers.

PETE: How did you hap upon her?

Why not pop down to Dirty Dick's for a cup of cocoa.DUD: I happed upon her in a rather wonderful, romantic way. I was strolling down Kings Cross of an evening, it was quite late, a bit tuckered out, and I thought, "Well, why not pop down to Dirty Dick's for a cup of cocoa." So I went down there and had a cup of cocoa, and then this vision, this dream came up to me and asked me for a light and a magnum of champagne. Charming gesture.

: Charming gesture to you, a total stranger.

DUD: Exactly. Anyway, we got talking, you know, and she was very shy, so it was only after quite a few magnums that she started to open out a bit, you know, tell me about herself and her life.

PETE: I understand she was some kind of social worker doing rehabilitation work for American G.I.s?

DUD: Yes. A very dedicated lass. A wonderful girl. Anyway, the evening went on and we talked and that, and after the second cup of cocoa I started to get a bit, you know, randy. A bit hot pants and that. I got her onto the dance floor and we started dancing and one thing led to another -

PETE: - as it invariably does -

Dagenham Dud.DUD: - in the human course of events. I invited her to come and listen to my collection of Slim Dusty at my pied-à-terre at Spit Point.

PETE: What did she say to this alluring invitation?

DUD: She said to me, "I thought you would never ask, my darling." My heart… Anyway, she said, "Just give me a tick, I'll be off to the powder room. Give me ten dollars to tip the cloakroom attendant and I'll be back in a jiffy." And she gave me the thumbs-up sign and I never saw her again.

PETE: What? She gave you the thumbs-up sign?

DUD: Yeah.

PETE: How, exactly?

DUD: Well, she said, "See you in a tick," and went [gives thumbs-up sign], like that.

PETE: I think you should realize, Dud, that Australia, being the other side of the world, so to speak Down Under, the thumbs-up sign Down Under is, in fact, thumbs down! In fact, thumbs-up in Australia can be a rather rude expression. I think she gave you the brush off.

DUD: Oh no, no, I don't think so. I prefer to think she was called out on some urgent social work. I don't think anything of that sort was happening at all. Anyway, I didn't bother hanging around and I whipped off about nine o'clock in the morning.

PETE: Did you catch her name?

DUD: No, she didn't give it to me, but I asked the barman afterwards and he said she was A. Pro.

PETE: Yeah, being a shy girl maybe she likes to be ex-directory.PETE: Anne? Annabel?

DUD: He didn't know. So I looked it up in the telephone directory but the only one Pro there was Albert Pro. I thought, "That can't be her." I think she must be ex-directory.

PETE: Yeah, being a shy girl maybe she likes to be ex-directory.

DUD: I think so, yeah.

PETE: Mind you, I haven't had much time while I've been here for romanticising. I've been busy wheeling and dealing on the Sydney Stock Market, and I think I've done some very good deals. I was very lucky to meet this gentleman in a telephone booth who gave me a very hot tip. Apparently there's a new company just been formed called Fly-By-Night Metal Ltd. This is very hush-hush so don't tell anybody, but they have discovered nickel under the Sydney Opera House.

DUD: Nipples?

PETE: No, nickel, the valuable ore.

DUD: Marvelous, that is. That'll give you a fortune. Well, I was lucky too, 'cos I met a gentleman who said, "Would you like to invest three dollars in this new Birdsville real estate project?"

PETE: Oh yeah?

DUD: Apparently it's going to be the holiday haunt of the '70s.

PETE: Well, it's got everything.

DUD: Miles and miles of beautiful sand.

PETE: All specially tinted red by Antonio several years ago.

DUD: It's going to be a knockout, that.

PETE: It's going to be a boomtown.

DUD: Make a fortune.

Baskets?PETE: That's the wonderful thing about Australia. Look, here we are, two Pommie - you know what they call us?

DUD: Baskets?

PETE: Baskets. Here we are, only been here a few weeks, and yet already I feel accepted. Already I feel I've really been taken in.


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