Pub&Bed#24 includes more sketches and information from these Aussie NOBA Specials.

Customs
(opening for show 1)

MUSIC: NOBA theme. Opening scene: a very obviously labelled Qantas airplane stands on an airport runway. A cargo trolley wheels two packing crates. One is long and thin and marked "NOT ONLY" and the other is short and wide and marked "BUT ALSO".

Scene 2: Luggage collection area. The two packing crates come around on the luggage carousel and halt in front of the camera. The tall crate falls open to reveal DUD being held upside down by an airline stewardess.

DUD [sings to the theme tune]: Helloo, hello Australiaaah, hello, hello, tiddly-pom, hello. [stewardess lowers DUD to the floor of the crate] Excuse me my dear. [straightens himself and stands up] Very nice. That is what is known as the flight of a life time, madam. Women and children first. [gets out of crate and goes to short crate and opens it up, revealing PETE crouching inside] Alright Pete?

PETE [emerges from crate still crouching]: I told you you got the bloody labels muddled up.

DUD: Sorry. It weren't my fault. We'd better got through customs.

PETE: Go through customs immediately.

DUD: Right.

Scene 2: An extremely seedy looking CUSTOMS OFFICIAL (Barry Humphries) stands at his desk reading a dirty magazine. He hears PETE and DUD approaching and hurriedly puts the jazz mag away. PETE and DUD approach the desk and are immediately sprayed in the face with insecticide by Humphries.

CUSTOMS OFFICIAL (CO): Welcome to Australia gentlemen. Have you read this? [flashes booklet at them]

PETE: Oh yes, fascinating.

DUD: Yeah, knockout. I couldn't put it down.

CO: Very delighted to hear you say so. Here is another formality which we are required of necessity to enforce. Have you about your persons any lizards? Reptiles? Water buffalo? Bees? Soils, day or night? Or substances of any kind?

[PETE and DUD shake their heads]

CO: Thank you very much gentlemen. Now, I am required to examine your baggages. [to PETE] Is this your sole baggage? [points to PETE's solitary Union Jack plastic carrier bag]

PETE: Yes, this is all I have.

CO: What's the contents here, sir?

PETE: Personal effects. Just a hot-water bottle and a fly wisk.

CO: Naturally, yes. Very happy about that. [to DUD] And in here sir? [pats DUD's brown paper bag]

DUD: A sponge bag containing toilet requsites.

CO: Toilet requisites, I see. [pulls toothpaste tube out of bag] I see, and what would be in this tube, sir?

DUD [nervously]: Err, toothpaste.

CO [uncapping tube]: We are required naturally to go through these formalities. [squeezes entire contents of tube into DUD's bag] Yes, yes, that would seem to be in order. What is the purpose of your particular visit?

PETE: If I was to say "balls" to you, officer, would that give you an indication?

DUD: The sound of leather on willow.

PETE: Cricket. Cricket. We are, in fact, here to assist the MCC touring team.

CO: Then I'll put you down as a couple of athletic supports. That should cover the area nicely. Well gentlemen, welcome to Australia. [starts spraying them with insecticide again] I hope you have a very pleasant stay in this fair land.

PETE: Thank you very much. We've got to get down to the nets because Colin Cowdrey is waiting for us. [PETE and DUD walk off]

CO: Goodbye gentlemen. [as they are just out of earshot:] Pommy basta…

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