includes more sketches and information from these Aussie NOBA Specials.
(opening for show 1)
MUSIC: NOBA theme. Opening scene: a very obviously labelled
Qantas airplane stands on an airport runway. A cargo trolley wheels
two packing crates. One is long and thin and marked "NOT ONLY"
and the other is short and wide and marked "BUT ALSO".
Scene 2: Luggage collection area. The two packing
crates come around on the luggage carousel and halt in front of
the camera. The tall crate falls open to reveal DUD being held upside
down by an airline stewardess.
DUD [sings to the theme tune]:
Helloo, hello Australiaaah, hello, hello, tiddly-pom, hello. [stewardess
lowers DUD to the floor of the crate] Excuse me my dear.
[straightens himself and stands up] Very nice. That
is what is known as the flight of a life time, madam. Women and
children first. [gets out of crate and goes to short crate
and opens it up, revealing PETE crouching inside] Alright
PETE [emerges from crate still crouching]:
I told you you got the bloody labels muddled up.
DUD: Sorry. It weren't my fault. We'd better got through customs.
PETE: Go through customs immediately.
2: An extremely seedy looking CUSTOMS OFFICIAL (Barry Humphries)
stands at his desk reading a dirty magazine. He hears PETE and DUD
approaching and hurriedly puts the jazz mag away. PETE and DUD approach
the desk and are immediately sprayed in the face with insecticide
CUSTOMS OFFICIAL (CO): Welcome to Australia
gentlemen. Have you read this? [flashes booklet at them]
PETE: Oh yes, fascinating.
DUD: Yeah, knockout. I couldn't put it down.
CO: Very delighted to hear you say so. Here
is another formality which we are required of necessity to enforce.
Have you about your persons any lizards? Reptiles? Water buffalo?
Bees? Soils, day or night? Or substances of any kind?
and DUD shake their heads]
CO: Thank you very much gentlemen. Now, I am
required to examine your baggages. [to PETE] Is this
your sole baggage? [points to PETE's solitary Union Jack
plastic carrier bag]
PETE: Yes, this is all I have.
CO: What's the contents here, sir?
PETE: Personal effects. Just a hot-water bottle
and a fly wisk.
CO: Naturally, yes. Very happy about that.
[to DUD] And in here sir? [pats DUD's brown
DUD: A sponge bag containing toilet requsites.
CO: Toilet requisites, I see. [pulls
toothpaste tube out of bag] I see, and what would be in this
DUD [nervously]: Err, toothpaste.
CO [uncapping tube]: We are required
naturally to go through these formalities. [squeezes entire
contents of tube into DUD's bag] Yes, yes, that would seem
to be in order. What is the purpose of your particular visit?
PETE: If I was to say "balls" to
you, officer, would that give you an indication?
DUD: The sound of leather on willow.
PETE: Cricket. Cricket. We are, in fact, here
to assist the MCC touring team.
Then I'll put you down as a couple of athletic supports. That should
cover the area nicely. Well gentlemen, welcome to Australia. [starts
spraying them with insecticide again] I hope you have a very
pleasant stay in this fair land.
PETE: Thank you very much. We've got to get
down to the nets because Colin Cowdrey is waiting for us. [PETE
and DUD walk off]
CO: Goodbye gentlemen. [as they are
just out of earshot:] Pommy basta
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