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Jayne Mansfield awaiting lobster extractionStarting with a Derek & Clive favourite, we present "The Worst Job I Ever Had" - this version includes unreleased material.

It seems a great deal of "Squatter & The Ant" was edited out of the final release. Thanks to the PCAS we are able to show you the original script
Page Two of the outtakes includes edited material from "Winkie Wanky Woo" and a never seen before version of "The Worst Job I Ever Had

We have highlighted in RED any text which did not make it to the final cut.


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audio files taken from the wonderful 1965 album.
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CLIVE [PETER COOK]: What's - was the worst job you had?

DEREK [DUDLEY MOORE]: The worst job I ever had?

CLIVE: Yeah.


CLIVE: What, it was just that? Coughing?

DEREK: Well, I had to collect up, it was a very difficult job, I had to collect up every year - financial year, you know, April. . .

CLIVE: Every ear? Whose ears did you collect up?

DEREK: . . .A - no, wait, no, 'year'. April to April.

CLIVE: Yeah.

DEREK: [BELCHES] Pardon. All the phlegm what Winston Churchill had gobbed out into his bucket by the bed.

CLIVE: Oh, God, yes, I was offered that job. . .

DEREK: And. . .

CLIVE: . . .but I said, "No, I'm not going to collect all that phlegm 'cos he has so many cigars, so much brandy, I am not, as a human being, going to go round with buckets collecting that fucking phlegm."

DEREK: Well, I'll tell you. . .

CLIVE: I said, "I'm not going to touch it." I said, "I won't touch it,". . .


CLIVE: "I'd rather be a destitute."

DEREK: The problem was, the problem was, what constituted one piece of phlegm, because, as you can imagine. . .

CLIVE: This is the problem.

DEREK: . . .the fucking stuff was all in different shapes and sizes.

CLIVE: Yeah. Some green, some blue, some brown.

DEREK: You used to get a well-defined bogie here and there, nice and crisp, you know, streaky, and you knew where you were. But then you used to get like a six inch green one which was sort of umbilically tied to another one or
two, it was like, you know, a fucking myriad.

CLIVE: This is what put me off the job, frankly.

DEREK: Well, I went insane, well, you know.

CLIVE: For how long?

DEREK: Well, for about a fortnight, I went completely off my head. I went on aspirin.

CLIVE: But Winston Churchill's bogies, I mean, have turned many a man to aspirin, which is a lethal drug. It can turn a man to bogies, which Winston Churchill was on.

DEREK: The trouble was he used to take bogies in secret, you see?  

CLIVE: What, he had them in a cupboard. . .

DEREK: He had. . .

CLIVE: . . .which no-one could see?

DEREK: He was a secret bogier. He used to have bottles of the stuff - I used to collect it up for him. I never realised that he was, in fact, taking it of a night.

CLIVE: And then just blowing it out.

DEREK: And then blowing it out in the fucking morning! I
mean. . .

CLIVE: And it. . .

DEREK: You didn't know where you fucking were. I came in the morning. . .

CLIVE: Well, ho -

DEREK: . . .there was the same fucking bogie on the bedspread. I thought, "Fuck me! I only collected this one last night and there's the cunt lying on the fucking bedspread again," you see. And I, you know, I thought I was seeing things. I had a feeling of deja vu.

CLIVE: Well, it must have been tricky for you 'cos I remember hearing stories about Winston's bogies which were unbelievable because, er, you know, he could produce a bogie as big as the Titanic. The trouble was they didn't sink. Ohh, it was dreadful. . .

DEREK: You know - you know why?

CLIVE: He threatened Hitler with it, didn't he?

DEREK: You know what happened?

CLIVE: He threatened Hitler with it.

DEREK: Well, the bogie that was as big as the Titanic. . .

CLIVE: Yeah.

DEREK: . . .was in fact the Titanic! Did you know that?

CLIVE: Well, this is, this is what I heard.

DEREK: Yeah. The trouble - no. . .

CLIVE: I've never had it confirmed.

DEREK: Well, this is. . . [WHISPERING] now keep it, keep it, like, very quiet.

CLIVE: [WHISPERING] now keep it, keep it, like, very quiet.

DEREK: . . .but the bogie that Winston had that was like the Titanic was in fact…there was no such fucking thing as the Ti - fucking - tanic.

CLIVE: So people went to sea. . .

DEREK: People went, no, people thought it was the Titanic
but it wasn't! They were. . .

CLIVE: They went to sea on, on Winston. . .

DEREK: They went to sea on, on Winston's bogie.

CLIVE: . . .on Winston's bogie, yeah.

DEREK: And the fucker sank! And fucking why not!

CLIVE: And, and they, they played on. They played on.

DEREK: They fucking played on. Well. . .

CLIVE: The violinist kept playing while the bogie sank.

DEREK: The trouble is, you see, bogies are not really seaworthy.

CLIVE: Well, I've always. . .

DEREK: Winston was a cunt!

CLIVE: I've always said this, I've always said this -  you cannot float on a bogie. Don't try to cross the ocean on a bogie otherwise you're sunk. And who took any notice? Fucking nobody took any bloody notice!

DEREK: Right, and all those. . .




DEREK: Right!

CLIVE: That's who I'll tell you took notice!

DEREK: You're fucking right, mate!

CLIVE: Yeah, nobody took fucking notice!

DEREK: Fucking no-one!

CLIVE: No-one took notice!

DEREK: All those cunts!

CLIVE: All those cunts. . . Trooping onto the fucking bogie! . . .went out to sea on Winston's bogie and what happened to them?

DEREK: S.S. Fucking Bogie!

CLIVE: They fucking sunk, didn't they?

DEREK: Right, fucking cunts!

CLIVE: Yeah.

DEREK: Right.

CLIVE: So, the next time you see a travel brochure saying "Go to Majorca on Wi -

DEREK: On a bogie!

CLIVE: . . .on a bogie," forget it, mate! Forget it! Because that is the fucking end of the world!


We have highlighted in RED any text which did not make it to the final cut.


[PETER and DUDLEY are both elderly men, of the sort who talk over old battles in Gentlemen's clubs]

PETER: Err ... have you heard anything recently of Squatter?


PETER: No I d- I- I wouldn't think you would have heard anything of Squatter. Squatter. . .

DUDLEY: What's he up-, what's he up to at the moment?

PETER: Squatter of the Madras dust


PETER: Well, he tends to lie a bit low, you know.

DUDLEY: Really? Why is that?

PETER: Well, he, he. . . that's the way he lies. A bit low, which is the best way to lie, I think, in-, in my view. But Squatter was, er, one of my very best friends, which is, um, him and, um, and him. He is in fact my only best friend.

DUDLEY: Mmm, Mmm.

PETER: But Squatter had this incredible quality which was, um, I don't know how you can define it but I would, er, say it was, um, I'd say it was stupidity.

DUDLEY: Yes, yes, yes.

PETER: Which very few people I've known have got. . .


PETER: . . .to quite the same extent that Squatter has.

DUDLEY: Yes, yes.

PETER: I don't know if I've ever told the story about Squatter and the ant.

DUDLEY: No, no.

PETER: Have I told you about Squatter and the ant?

DUDLEY: No, no, no.

PETER: Well, Squatter, Squatter was in a terrible position.


PETER: He was in Bahrain, which is a pretty bloody place to be.


PETER: And there was this ant. . .


PETER: . . .which had only one leg. . .


PETER: . . .and only one eye. . .


PETER: . . .and it was about two miles away from Squatter.


PETER: So, a pretty bloody menacing position for Squatter. . .


PETER: . . .who was equipped only with, erm, you know, a hydrogen bomb. . .


PETER: . . .erm, six grenades. . .


PETER: . . .and, erm, a few rifles.


PETER: And this bloody ant, with. . .


PETER: . . .one eye. . .


PETER: . . .one leg. . .


PETER: . . .was advancing towards Squatter. . .


PETER: . . .at about-, oh, I'd say at about, er, a mile every century, you know.


PETER: Really speeding up.


PETER: I think the animal was on drugs.

DUDLEY: Yes, or heat.

PETER: Or heat, yes. . .


PETER: . . .as you may say.


PETER: And Squatter. . .


PETER: . . .with his extraordinary calm. . .


PETER: . . .took it very smoothly.


PETER: And do you know what he did?


PETER: Nothing.

DUDLEY: Good God.

PETER: He immediately did nothing.


PETER: And this stupefied the ant.


PETER: Stopped in its tracks. 


PETER: Didn't move an inch for about, um, three and a half years.


PETER: Still Squatter was very much aware of the problem of the ant with all of one leg and all of one eye. . .

DUDLEY: Yes, yeh, yeh, yeh, yeh.

PETER: . . .advancing towards him. So he took up, you know, a strategic position with about five thousand men on one side and seven thousand men on the other side. . .


PETER: . . .all equipped with, er, various kinds of guns. . .


PETER: . . .and so on.

DUDLEY: Yes, yes, yes.

PETER: The ant was, er, fairly pinpointed.


PETER: But what was odd. . .

DUDLEY: Yes, go on, go on.

PETER: I will. . . was the ant understood Squatter.


PETER: The ant realised he was up against somebody as good as - , as good as he was.

DUDLEY: There was some sort of, ah, understanding between. . . they knew they were. . .

PETER: Equals. . .

DUDLEY: . . .equals, yes.

PETER: . . .in their struggle, yes.


PETER: So Squatter. . .


PETER: . . .with a tremendous display of courage, put up his hands and surrendered.


PETER: And the ant, five years laters. . .

DUDLEY: "Five years laters"?

PETER: Yes, five years laters. . . crept into the, er, hole. . .


PETER: . . .and Squatter was gone.


PETER: And this is the extraordinary thing about Squatter.

DUDLEY: Mm-mm.

PETER: He was never there when he was wanted.

DUDLEY: No, no.

PETER: And Squatter told me later that, ah, he'd gone because he'd had to go.

DUDLEY: I think that's. . .

PETER: That sums up Squatter for me.

DUDLEY: Yes. It's a sort of simple approach to life.

PETER: The ant, these days, is writing its memoirs, you know. . .


PETER: . . .in the Sunday Telegraph, but Squatter. . .

DUDLEY: Squatter refuses to come out and. . .

PETER: . . .he refuses to comment on the whole sitution.

DUDLEY: Yes, yes, yes.

PETER: Just won't.


PETER: Just won't.

DUDLEY: I think. . .

PETER: And I think he's quite right.

DUDLEY: I think he retains his dignity.

PETER: Well, he retains everything, including himself, which I think is only right.

DUDLEY: How is his arsehole these days?

PETER: Squatter's? Oh, why, it is in terrific form, oh, he's, he's got an enormous great party going on down there at the moment - Twiggy, Dustin Vulverne, John Prompt. Do you know John Prompt?

DUDLEY: Oh yes!

PETER: Do you? I'm surprised. I never heard of him. John Prompt is down there and apparently he is making the whole party go with a tremendous swing. That's what a party needs  to go with, a tremendous swing.

DUDLEY: What I think is a tragedy about Squatter is that you know that one of these days. . .

PETER: One of these days. . .

DUDLEY: One of these days he's going let fly with the most enormous fart.

PETER: Well, this is the tragedy of Squatter. I mean, one tried to hush it up, one has attempted to put cushions up his arse, one has attempted to do many things, but Squatter, taken unawares, may give fly to the most enormous fart, and this will be his undoing and pray God. . .

DUDLEY: But not only his, also his arsehole's. I think there's going to be a frightful scene. You know, he has been eating solidly, let's face it, for 64 years and without ever giving vent to his, errr, things.

PETER: The necessary thing. He is, as the Spanish put it so quaintly, constipado.

DUDLEY: Yes, I think that's it.

PETER: Un poko constipado.

DUDLEY: Conquisita pat chipata.

PETER: 64 years without ever letting forth a single. . .

DUDLEY: And the terrible thing is one of these days he's going to crack or his crack is going to.

PETER: One of these days his crack is going to go, as you say.

DUDLEY: And there is going to be the most almighty Madras.

PETER: Well, this is Squatter's terrible problem.

DUDLEY: And you know, of course, what Madras is like. It is no fun at all!

PETER: It is no fun at all.

DUDLEY: Once that starts, or stuff, rather, starts coming out, it's going to burn his arsehole right off, it's going to take the lining off.

PETER: One thing I told Squatter about four years ago, I said: "Squatter, if you allow yourself to be bunged up for another four years, you're going to go into orbit," and Squatter turned to me, looked me straight in the eye and he said: "Fuck off."

DUDLEY: Well, I pleaded with him. I said: "Look, for God's sake," I said, "Let's have a look at your crack. For God's sake let me line it with some Fairy because otherwise it's going to be the most unholy mess."

PETER: Or the most holy unmess.

DUDLEY: No, the most unholy mess. But he goes on and that's what. . .

PETER: But he doesn't go on, this is the problem, he never goes; he never goes on. He never starts. This is the trouble with Squatter. He has got, what, about 65 years of pent up fury in his arsehole.

DUDLEY: Well, you know he is living in Blackpool now?

PETER: Well, it's a good place to. . .

DUDLEY: Very near the tower, very near the tower and I was crossing the Atlantic. . .

PETER: Exploring North Sea Gas, I imagine.

DUDLEY: Air India, and I heard this faint rumbling and I knew it was from Blackpool and I thought God, you know, it is not long and that tower. . .

PETER: Well, it's not long, it's reasonably long.

DUDLEY: That tower is going to be the first thing to go.

PETER: Yes, well, that's what I keep pleading with him.

DUDLEY: The whole of the British Isles is going to be covered with Madras. You know, with old Madras.

PETER: But how do you put this across? After all he is an old friend.

DUDLEY: I don't know.

PETER: He is going to cover the world in a shower of shit.

DUDLEY: One has to tread very carefully here.

PETER: Yes, well, one will be unable to tread.

DUDLEY: Well, one will be. The situation will be out of one's hands. One will be presumably either floating or sinking, depending on the. . .

PETER: But what does one say to Squatter?

DUDLEY: . . .on the texture of his expelling, expiring. . .

PETER: Build a hole and bung it in.

DUDLEY: Well, I just, I just wish him luck.

PETER: Wish him luck, at the same time I wish him a strange sort of happiness - death.

DUDLEY: Yes, I think that would be the best thing for Squatter.

PETER: If death could come to Squatter now. . .

DUDLEY: Rather than the other way around. 

PETER: Yes. 

DUDLEY: I think we'd all be very happy. 

PETER: I think so. [Out of character] That's a fuck up.

DUDLEY: [Out of character] No, it is wonderful. That's beautiful.  


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