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WORST JOB I EVER HAD
CLIVE [PETER
COOK]: What's - was the worst job you had?
DEREK [DUDLEY
MOORE]: The worst job I ever had?
CLIVE: Yeah.
DEREK: [COUGHS]
CLIVE: What, it was
just that? Coughing?
DEREK: Well, I had
to collect up, it was a very difficult job, I had to collect up
every year - financial year, you know, April. . .
CLIVE: Every ear?
Whose ears did you collect up?
DEREK: . . .A - no,
wait, no, 'year'. April to April.
CLIVE: Yeah.
DEREK: [BELCHES]
Pardon. All the phlegm what Winston Churchill had gobbed out into
his bucket by the bed.
CLIVE: Oh, God, yes,
I was offered that job. . .
DEREK: And. . .
CLIVE: . . .but I
said, "No, I'm not going to collect all that phlegm 'cos he
has so many cigars, so much brandy, I am not, as a human being,
going to go round with buckets collecting that fucking phlegm."
DEREK: Well, I'll
tell you. . .
CLIVE: I said, "I'm
not going to touch it." I said, "I won't touch it,".
. .
DEREK: No.
CLIVE: "I'd rather be a destitute."
DEREK: The problem was,
the problem was, what constituted one piece of phlegm, because,
as you can imagine. . .
CLIVE: This is the problem.
DEREK: . . .the fucking
stuff was all in different shapes and sizes.
CLIVE: Yeah. Some green,
some blue, some brown.
DEREK: You used to get
a well-defined bogie here and there, nice and crisp, you know, streaky,
and you knew where you were. But then you used to get like a six
inch green one which was sort of umbilically tied to another one
or
two, it was like, you know, a fucking myriad.
CLIVE: This is what put
me off the job, frankly.
DEREK: Well, I went insane,
well, you know.
CLIVE: For how long?
DEREK: Well, for about
a fortnight, I went completely off my head. I went on aspirin.
CLIVE: But Winston Churchill's
bogies, I mean, have turned many a man to aspirin, which is a lethal
drug. It can turn a man to bogies, which Winston Churchill was on.
DEREK: The trouble
was he used to take bogies in secret, you see?
CLIVE: What, he had
them in a cupboard. . .
DEREK: He had. .
.
CLIVE: . . .which
no-one could see?
DEREK: He was a secret
bogier. He used to have bottles of the stuff - I used to collect
it up for him. I never realised that he was, in fact, taking it
of a night.
CLIVE: And then just
blowing it out.
DEREK: And then blowing
it out in the fucking morning! I
mean. . .
CLIVE: And it. .
.
DEREK: You didn't
know where you fucking were. I came in the morning. . .
CLIVE: Well, ho -
DEREK: . . .there
was the same fucking bogie on the bedspread. I thought, "Fuck
me! I only collected this one last night and there's the cunt lying
on the fucking bedspread again," you see. And I, you know,
I thought I was seeing things. I had a feeling of deja vu.
CLIVE: Well, it must
have been tricky for you 'cos I remember hearing stories about Winston's
bogies which were unbelievable because, er, you know, he could produce
a bogie as big as the Titanic. The
trouble was they didn't sink. Ohh, it was dreadful.
. .
DEREK: You know -
you know why?
CLIVE: He threatened
Hitler with it, didn't he?
DEREK: You know what
happened?
CLIVE: He threatened
Hitler with it.
DEREK: Well, the
bogie that was as big as the Titanic. . .
CLIVE: Yeah.
DEREK: . . .was in
fact the Titanic! Did you know that?
CLIVE: Well, this
is, this is what I heard.
DEREK: Yeah. The
trouble - no. . .
CLIVE: I've never
had it confirmed.
DEREK: Well, this
is. . . [WHISPERING] now keep it, keep it, like, very quiet.
CLIVE: [WHISPERING]
now keep it, keep it, like, very quiet.
DEREK: . . .but the
bogie that Winston had that was like the Titanic was in fact…there
was no such fucking thing as the Ti - fucking - tanic.
CLIVE: So people
went to sea. . .
DEREK: People went,
no, people thought it was the Titanic
but it wasn't! They were. . .
CLIVE: They went
to sea on, on Winston. . .
DEREK: They went
to sea on, on Winston's bogie.
CLIVE: . . .on Winston's
bogie, yeah.
DEREK: And the fucker
sank! And fucking why not!
CLIVE: And, and they,
they played on. They played on.
DEREK: They fucking
played on. Well. . .
CLIVE: The violinist
kept playing while the bogie sank.
DEREK: The trouble
is, you see, bogies are not really seaworthy.
CLIVE: Well, I've
always. . .
DEREK: Winston was
a cunt!
CLIVE: I've always
said this, I've always said this -
you cannot float on a bogie. Don't try to cross the ocean
on a bogie otherwise you're sunk. And who took any notice? Fucking
nobody took any bloody notice!
DEREK: Right, and
all those. . .
CLIVE: I'LL TELL
YOU WHO TOOK NOTICE!
DEREK: WHO?
CLIVE: FUCKING NOBODY
TOOK NOTICE!
DEREK: Right!
CLIVE: That's who
I'll tell you took notice!
DEREK: You're fucking
right, mate!
CLIVE: Yeah, nobody
took fucking notice!
DEREK: Fucking no-one!
CLIVE: No-one took
notice!
DEREK: All those
cunts!
CLIVE: All those
cunts. . . Trooping onto the fucking bogie! . . .went out to sea
on Winston's bogie and what happened to them?
DEREK: S.S. Fucking
Bogie!
CLIVE: They fucking
sunk, didn't they?
DEREK: Right, fucking
cunts!
CLIVE: Yeah.
DEREK: Right.
CLIVE: So, the next
time you see a travel brochure saying "Go to Majorca on Wi
-
DEREK: On a bogie!
CLIVE: . . .on a
bogie," forget it, mate! Forget it! Because that is the fucking
end of the world!
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SQUATTER AND THE ANT
[PETER and DUDLEY
are both elderly men, of the sort who talk over old battles in Gentlemen's
clubs]
PETER: Err ... have
you heard anything recently of Squatter?
DUDLEY: No.
PETER: No I d- I-
I wouldn't think you would have heard anything of Squatter. Squatter.
. .
DUDLEY: What's he
up-, what's he up to at the moment?
PETER: Squatter of
the Madras dust?
DUDLEY: Mmm.
PETER: Well, he tends
to lie a bit low, you know.
DUDLEY: Really? Why
is that?
PETER: Well, he,
he. . . that's the way he lies. A bit low, which is the best way
to lie, I think, in-, in my view. But Squatter was, er, one of my
very best friends, which is, um, him and, um, and him. He is in
fact my only best friend.
DUDLEY: Mmm, Mmm.
PETER: But Squatter
had this incredible quality which was, um, I don't know how you
can define it but I would, er, say it was, um, I'd say it was stupidity.
DUDLEY: Yes, yes,
yes.
PETER: Which very
few people I've known have got. . .
DUDLEY: Mmm.
PETER: . . .to quite
the same extent that Squatter has.
DUDLEY: Yes, yes.
PETER: I don't know
if I've ever told the story about Squatter and the ant.
DUDLEY: No, no.
PETER: Have I told
you about Squatter and the ant?
DUDLEY: No, no, no.
PETER: Well, Squatter,
Squatter was in a terrible position.
DUDLEY: Oh.
PETER: He was in
Bahrain, which is a pretty bloody place to be.
DUDLEY: Yes.
PETER: And there
was this ant. . .
DUDLEY: Yes.
PETER: . . .which
had only one leg. . .
DUDLEY: God.
PETER: . . .and only
one eye. . .
DUDLEY: God.
PETER: . . .and it
was about two miles away from Squatter.
DUDLEY: God.
PETER: So, a pretty
bloody menacing position for Squatter. . .
DUDLEY: Yes.
PETER: . . .who was
equipped only with, erm, you know, a hydrogen bomb. . .
DUDLEY: God.
PETER: . . .erm,
six grenades. . .
DUDLEY: God.
PETER: . . .and,
erm, a few rifles.
DUDLEY: Yes.
PETER: And this bloody
ant, with. . .
DUDLEY: Yes.
PETER: . . .one eye.
. .
DUDLEY: Yeh.
PETER: . . .one leg.
. .
DUDLEY: Yeh.
PETER: . . .was advancing
towards Squatter. . .
DUDLEY: Yeh.
PETER: . . .at about-,
oh, I'd say at about, er, a mile every century, you know.
DUDLEY: God.
PETER: Really speeding
up.
DUDLEY: Yeah.
PETER: I think the
animal was on drugs.
DUDLEY: Yes, or heat.
PETER: Or heat, yes.
. .
DUDLEY: Yeah.
PETER: . . .as you
may say.
DUDLEY: Mmm.
PETER: And Squatter.
. .
DUDLEY: Yes.
PETER: . . .with
his extraordinary calm. . .
DUDLEY: Hmm.
PETER: . . .took
it very smoothly.
DUDLEY: Yes.
PETER: And do you
know what he did?
DUDLEY: No.
PETER: Nothing.
DUDLEY: Good God.
PETER: He immediately
did nothing.
DUDLEY: Yes.
PETER: And this stupefied
the ant.
DUDLEY: Yes.
PETER: Stopped in
its tracks.
DUDLEY: Mmm.
PETER: Didn't move
an inch for about, um, three and a half years.
DUDLEY: Mmm.
PETER: Still Squatter
was very much aware of the problem of the ant with all of one leg
and all of one eye. . .
DUDLEY: Yes, yeh,
yeh, yeh, yeh.
PETER: . . .advancing
towards him. So he took up, you know, a strategic position with
about five thousand men on one side and seven thousand men on the
other side. . .
DUDLEY: Yes.
PETER: . . .all equipped
with, er, various kinds of guns. . .
DUDLEY: Yes.
PETER: . . .and so
on.
DUDLEY: Yes, yes,
yes.
PETER: The ant was,
er, fairly pinpointed.
DUDLEY: Yes.
PETER: But what was
odd. . .
DUDLEY: Yes, go on,
go on.
PETER: I will. .
. was the ant understood Squatter.
DUDLEY: Yes.
PETER: The ant realised
he was up against somebody as good as - , as good as he was.
DUDLEY: There was
some sort of, ah, understanding between. . . they knew they were.
. .
PETER: Equals. .
.
DUDLEY: . . .equals,
yes.
PETER: . . .in their
struggle, yes.
DUDLEY: Yes.
PETER: So Squatter.
. .
DUDLEY: Yes.
PETER: . . .with
a tremendous display of courage, put up his hands and surrendered.
DUDLEY: Yes.
PETER: And the ant,
five years laters. . .
DUDLEY: "Five
years laters"?
PETER: Yes, five
years laters. . . crept into the, er, hole. . .
DUDLEY: Yes.
PETER: . . .and Squatter
was gone.
DUDLEY: Mmm.
PETER: And this is
the extraordinary thing about Squatter.
DUDLEY: Mm-mm.
PETER: He was never
there when he was wanted.
DUDLEY: No, no.
PETER: And Squatter
told me later that, ah, he'd gone because he'd had to go.
DUDLEY: I think that's.
. .
PETER: That sums
up Squatter for me.
DUDLEY: Yes. It's
a sort of simple approach to life.
PETER: The ant, these
days, is writing its memoirs, you know. . .
DUDLEY: Yes.
PETER: . . .in the
Sunday Telegraph, but Squatter. . .
DUDLEY: Squatter
refuses to come out and. . .
PETER: . . .he refuses
to comment on the whole sitution.
DUDLEY: Yes, yes,
yes.
PETER: Just won't.
DUDLEY: No.
PETER: Just won't.
DUDLEY: I think.
. .
PETER: And I think
he's quite right.
DUDLEY: I think he
retains his dignity.
PETER: Well, he retains everything, including
himself, which I think is only right.
DUDLEY: How is his arsehole
these days?
PETER: Squatter's? Oh,
why, it is in terrific form, oh, he's, he's got an enormous great
party going on down there at the moment - Twiggy, Dustin Vulverne,
John Prompt. Do you know John Prompt?
DUDLEY: Oh yes!
PETER: Do you? I'm surprised.
I never heard of him. John Prompt is down there and apparently he
is making the whole party go with a tremendous swing. That's what
a party needs to go
with, a tremendous swing.
DUDLEY: What I think is a tragedy about Squatter
is that you know that one of these days. . .
PETER: One of these days. . .
DUDLEY: One of these days he's going let fly
with the most enormous fart.
PETER: Well, this is the tragedy of Squatter.
I mean, one tried to hush it up, one has attempted to put cushions
up his arse, one has attempted to do many things, but Squatter,
taken unawares, may give fly to the most enormous fart, and this
will be his undoing and
pray God. . .
DUDLEY: But not only his,
also his arsehole's. I think there's going to be a frightful scene.
You know, he has been eating solidly, let's face it, for 64 years
and without ever giving vent to his, errr, things.
PETER: The necessary thing.
He is, as the Spanish put it so quaintly, constipado.
DUDLEY: Yes, I think that's
it.
PETER: Un poko constipado.
DUDLEY: Conquisita pat
chipata.
PETER: 64 years without
ever letting forth a single. . .
DUDLEY: And the terrible
thing is one of these days he's going to crack or his crack is going
to.
PETER: One of these days
his crack is going to go, as you say.
DUDLEY: And there is going
to be the most almighty Madras.
PETER: Well, this is Squatter's
terrible problem.
DUDLEY: And you know, of
course, what Madras is like. It is no fun at all!
PETER: It is no fun at
all.
DUDLEY: Once that starts,
or stuff, rather, starts coming out, it's going to burn his arsehole
right off, it's going to take the lining off.
PETER: One thing I told
Squatter about four years ago, I said: "Squatter, if you allow yourself
to be bunged up for another four years, you're going to go into
orbit," and Squatter turned to me, looked me straight in the eye
and he said: "Fuck off."
DUDLEY: Well, I pleaded
with him. I said: "Look, for God's sake," I said, "Let's have a
look at your crack. For God's sake let me line it with some Fairy
because otherwise it's going to be the most unholy mess."
PETER: Or the most holy
unmess.
DUDLEY: No, the most unholy
mess. But he goes on and that's what. . .
PETER: But he doesn't go
on, this is the problem, he never goes; he never goes on. He never
starts. This is the trouble with Squatter. He has got, what, about
65 years of pent up fury in his arsehole.
DUDLEY: Well, you know
he is living in Blackpool now?
PETER: Well, it's a good
place to. . .
DUDLEY: Very near the tower,
very near the tower and I was crossing the Atlantic. . .
PETER: Exploring North
Sea Gas, I imagine.
DUDLEY: Air India, and
I heard this faint rumbling and I knew it was from Blackpool and
I thought God, you know, it is not long and that tower. . .
PETER: Well, it's not long,
it's reasonably long.
DUDLEY: That tower is going
to be the first thing to go.
PETER: Yes, well, that's
what I keep pleading with him.
DUDLEY: The whole of the
British Isles is going to be covered with Madras. You know, with
old Madras.
PETER: But how do you put
this across? After all he is an old friend.
DUDLEY: I don't know.
PETER: He is going to cover
the world in a shower of shit.
DUDLEY: One has to tread
very carefully here.
PETER: Yes, well, one will
be unable to tread.
DUDLEY: Well, one will
be. The situation will be out of one's hands. One will be presumably
either floating or sinking, depending on the. . .
PETER: But what does one
say to Squatter?
DUDLEY: . . .on the texture
of his expelling, expiring. . .
PETER: Build a hole and
bung it in.
DUDLEY: Well, I just, I just wish him luck.
PETER: Wish him luck, at the same time I wish
him a strange sort of happiness - death.
DUDLEY: Yes, I think that would be the best thing
for Squatter.
PETER: If death could come to Squatter now. .
.
DUDLEY: Rather than the other way around.
PETER: Yes.
DUDLEY: I think we'd all be very happy.
PETER: I think so. [Out
of character] That's a fuck up.
DUDLEY: [Out of character]
No, it is wonderful. That's beautiful.
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