| WINKIE
WANKY WOO
[DUDLEY
- throaty disgusting pervy voice; PETER - posh pervy voice]
DUDLEY:
Excuse me. . . would you be, umm. . . I wonder if you would be interested
in a, umm, sex crime?
PETER:
Er, could you-, could you speak up a bit? I can't really hear you.
DUDLEY:
You. . .
PETER:
I thought I heard the words "sex crime" but I didn't hear
anything else.
DUDLEY:
Well, umm, you got the gist of what I said. Um, I wonder if you'd
be interested in, um, er, playing with my thing, er, huh. . .
PETER:
Oh, I see, sort of playing with your doo-dahs.
DUDLEY:
Yes, with my willy winkie.
PETER: Errm, well, this
depends rather on the terms ... and, indeed, the lengths.
DUDLEY:
Well, it. . .
PETER: What are the
lengths of the doo-dah?
DUDLEY: My doo-dah is
about, um. . . four foot nine by three and half. And. . .
PETER: When you say,
er, four foot nine by three and a half. . .
DUDLEY: Yes.
PETER:
. . .um. . .
DUDLEY:
I mean. . .
PETER:
. . .do we take the three and a half as being accurate or could
that be possibly three and three quarters?
DUDLEY: Probably more
in the region of five and a half.
PETER: Oh, five and
a half? Well, that's rather more interesting. You see, um, the problem
with me is that my, um. . .
DUDLEY:
Oh.
PETER:
[clears throat]
DUDLEY:
Winkie wanky.
PETER:
. . .thing, tends when. . .
DUDLEY:
Willy winkie wanky.
PETER:
. . .aroused, which is very seldom. . .
DUDLEY:
Ohh.
PETER:
. . .about once every century. . .
DUDLEY:
Mmm-yes.
PETER:
. . .to be about a thousand miles long.
DUDLEY:
Ohh-h-h, fucking arseholes. Huh. Well, I wonder if we could 'come'
to some arrangement?
PETER:
Well, I don't see any reason why not. I mean, you're a-, you're
a fine man and. . .
DUDLEY:
Well, that's very kind of you you fat w -
PETER:
Well, I'm a very kind person.
DUDLEY:
. . .cunt.
PETER:
And I'd just like to say that mine being about a thousand miles
long. . .
DUDLEY:
Oh God, ohhh. . .
PETER:
. . .which is quite a length in this day and age. . .
DUDLEY:
[Swoons] Oh God, oh God, oh God, oh nnggh ...
PETER:
. . .given the inflation which surrounds us, I'd like to get to
grips with something, you know, on a, on a sort of par with mine.
DUDLEY:
You know, um, I think you'd be quite pleased with the, um, hhg-hhg,
this particular winkie wanky woo.
PETER:
When you dis - say it's a "winkie wanky woo". . .
DUDLEY:
Nngh - ye -
PETER:
. . .it's a winkie, yes?
DUDLEY:
Well, mainly it's on the wanky side.
PETER:
And where does the woo come in?
DUDLEY:
Wherever you like, dear.
PETER:
Well, I'd prefer you to do the wooing before you do the winkie and
the wanky.
DUDLEY:
Well, um. . .
PETER:
I may be a bit old-fashioned but I like to see a bit of wooing before
the winkie and the wanky, you know.
DUDLEY:
Oh, right, you smooth-talking fucker.
PETER:
Err, where do you live - Earl's Court?
DUDLEY:
Erm, nnggh, er, er. . . no.
PETER:
Nowhere?
DUDLEY:
Pardon?
PETER:
Do you live nowhere at all?
DUDLEY:
Nnggh, well, you've - you're getting near the truth.
PETER:
Why don't you come back to my place and perhaps we could sort things
out.
DUDLEY:
That would be wonderful.
PETER:
Did I ever tell you before that I love a man who has no convictions.
DUDLEY:
Ohhh. . .
PETER:
How many convictions have you got?
DUDLEY:
Well, depends what you mean by convictions.
PETER:
How many times have you been in prison for offences against, erm,
Anna Neagle?
DUDLEY:
Forty-four times, your honour.
PETER:
Well, come back and see me and we'll see if we can ... sort things
out.
DUDLEY:
Can't we do it here?
PETER:
I see no reason why not. Oh you beautiful creature, my love, my
darling.
DUDLEY:
Fuck off.
PETER:
You sweet little thing. [lots of
heavy panting]
DUDLEY:
Now, come over here and do that.
PETER:
I'm sorry, I was doing it to the tap.
DUDLEY:
You silly old fool.
PETER:
I'm a bit short-sighted.
DUDLEY:
Well, you certainly make up for it.
PETER:
Thank you darling.
DUDLEY:
Umm, umm. . .
PETER:
What is it?
DUDLEY:
I want to go to the lavatory.
PETER:
Yes, well, I'm sitting here, so just go ahead.
DUDLEY:
[whistling for a while then -]
Thank you.
PETER:
You have a wonderful singing voice. I never knew someone could sing
like that.
DUDLEY: You're too kind.
PETER: I am what?
DUDLEY:
You're getting fainter. . .
PETER:
I'm getting Fanta? Yes, I should go off and get some Fanta. . .
DUDLEY:
No, you're getting fainter.
PETER:
Oh, I'm getting fainter, yes, yes, because, do you know in forty-five
years in the British army I've never met anyone who really cared.
DUDLEY:
How very sad.
PETER:
It is, isn't it? When one has fought two wars, beaten the Boche
twice, one ceases to care. . .
DUDLEY:
Nnggh. . .
PETER:
. . .one only hungers for where it's at.
DUDLEY:
Well, get your willy wanky woo over here, darling.
PETER:
I wish I could ... It was shot off in the first war.
DUDLEY: Well, fuck off
you silly old poof.
PETER:
Goodbye darling.
DUDLEY:
Goodbye darling. See at the same time next week.
PETER:
Goodnight.
DUDLEY:
That was an extract from. . .
PETER:
"Winnie The Pooh"
DUDLEY:
By E.E. Cummings.
PETER:
Once again.
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WORST JOB I EVER HAD:
alternative take
DEREK:
You been down to the Labour Exchange recently?
CLIVE:
Yeah, Derek. I was down the other day, but, you know, there's not
much about. I mean, what with 28% unemployed. . . I mean, there's
not many jobs about, you know, what a human being can stomach, you
know. . .
DEREK:
Right. Well, you know, what there is about is pretty bloody awful
and frankly, you know, as far as I'm concerned, I've done one stint
with regard to bad jobs. . .
CLIVE:
Well, you've had bad jobs in your time, you'll probably have them
again, why should you have one now?
DEREK:
Right.
CLIVE:
My point of view entirely.
DEREK:
Right.
CLIVE:
I'm glad you've uttered it.
DEREK:
I didn't. I was thinking while I was down there, 'cause I was shocked
really at some of the stuff they had down there. . . I was thinking
to myself, "What was the worst job I ever had?"
[At
this point this intro is abandoned and they carry on as if Derek
has just asked Clive what his worst ever job was (presumably
with a view to editing in a different intro)]
CLIVE:
Well, that's tricky, because I've had some terrible jobs, you know.
Yeah, I think the worst actually was in the States.
DEREK:
Oh, you've been over there?
CLIVE:
Yeah, I've been Stateside. And I was working for Jayne Mansfield.
DEREK:
Jayne Mansfield eh?
CLIVE:
Yeah, you know, she was very big in her day.
DEREK:
She was very big in her day, is that what you said?
CLIVE:
She was very big all day, and you know, all night, but the point
I'm coming to was that my job was to retrieve lobsters from Jayne's
arsehole. 'Cause Jayne, like a lot of Hollywood starlets at the
time. . .
DEREK:
Wait, wait, let me get this straight, you retrieved lobsters from
Jayne's arsehole?
CLIVE:
Did I fucking retrieve them? Yeah. I've got the marks to prove it.
DEREK:
I'd have though that was a job with a lot of interest.
CLIVE:
No, well, you're forgetting various factors, you see, Jayne had
a huge bum and an enormous capacity for lobsters. And she used to
go swimming every day off the beach at Malibu, you know, like the
starlets did in those days. . . it was the fashionable thing to
be seen with Hedda Hopper topless. . .
And Jayne use to go out swimming and what happened was inevitable
really, the lobsters flocked up her bum. I mean, I'm not blaming
Jayne, I mean she had her personal problems and I'm not going to
drag those in. . .
DEREK:
Especially in the water.
CLIVE:
Especially in the water, no.
DEREK:
Well, from what you say, it sounds like a fifty-fifty thing…
I'm sure that she led the lobsters on and I'm sure the lobsters
got a sort of. . .
CLIVE:
Got a kick from going up her bum. Yeah, and uh, the problem with
the job was. . .
DEREK:
Sort of I'll scratch my arse, you scratch mine. . .
CLIVE:
Yeah, that was the sort of thing, and the problem with the job basically
was that I was on twenty-four hour call, you know, there was no
let-up, I mean, Jayne being a star, being temperamental. . . I mean
all the accoutrements for being a star. . .
DEREK:
Big tits.
CLIVE:
Big tits, yes, I mean, was very demanding. . . if she had several
lobsters up her bum, be it three o'clock in the morning or midnight,
whatever time, she'd come screaming on the telephone, "Come up and
get the lobsters out!" Which, of course, I did. And the pay wasn't
bad, but the problem was once the lobster was lodged in her bum.
DEREK:
They must have been buggers to get down.
CLIVE:
Oh, they were buggers to get out, because a lobster, once in a crevice,
likes to stick there. . . that's built into the lobster from, you
know, nature. . . self-protective device. And she wore a heavy perfume.
DEREK:
They used to back in, apart from that, because of their claws, didn't
they?
CLIVE:
No, they used to zoom up her bum backwards. Because the claws. .
.
DEREK:
They couldn't get out. . . because, you know, although the arsehole
is spacious, the entrance was, you know. . .
CLIVE:
Well, you know, it was not tiny and you'd have to, no you didn't
have to. . . I had to put my hand up, you see, and get these lobsters
out, and they were comatose, sort of dozy. . .They were stupid,
overcome by the fame of it all. Any lobster worth it's salt is going
to have a story to tell - "I've been up Jayne's bum!"
DEREK:
Do you think they're that aware of things?
CLIVE:
Lobsters? Oh, they're like dolphins. They're more intelligent than
Joe Levine. And I used to get my hand right up and Jayne was not
co-operative. She used to say, "Oh come on, move on." But all the
time she was relishing the movement. So, it was a tricky job, but
it had its perks, because a lot of the job, and I use the word with
a certain amount of forbearance, sort of rubbed off on you. And
in the fashionable bistro scene in Hollywood in those days…
you know, if you could walk into a restaurant with a brown forearm,
and they knew where that came from, you could pick up a few birds,
mate, I'll tell you that. What's the worst job you've ever had?
DEREK:
Oh, I've had some fuckers. Well, I think all things considered,
the worst job I ever had was towards the end of the War. . . I used
to collect Winston Churchill's bogies.
CLIVE:
You? You had that job?
DEREK:
Yeah, I used to clean up after his bogies.
CLIVE:
I turned that one down.
DEREK:
You did?
CLIVE:
Yeah. I wasn't taking that one for all the money in the world.
DEREK:
Well, I was a bit, you know, skint at the time, and I thought it
would be fascinating to be so close to greatness, and well, the
basic procedure. . . I used to leave a bucket by the bed, and Churchill
would, after an evening of brandy and cigars, he used to. . .
CLIVE:
He was a great leader.
DEREK:
A great leader and a great cougher, and used to have a lot of bogies
and the buckets were filled to the brim by the morning, and I used
to take them down to the workshop. . .
CLIVE:
Did you actually have to go up his nose with pincers?
DEREK:
No, no. . . He did the work himself. He was decent enough to use
the bogie bucket. Well, we had to be very careful, it was a closed
shop. He was afraid that the Nazis would use the bogies against
him in the War. I mean, if they got hold of one of these bogies
and analysed it, Christ knows what would have happened to him, and
anyway, I must say that despite the drawbacks to the job, he was
a great bogie boy. . . You know, tremendous variety, great colour,
textures.
CLIVE:
Enormous range.
DEREK:
You know, from your basic streaky crisp to the green. . .
CLIVE:
Long slimey one.
DEREK:
Yeah some of them were wonderful.
CLIVE:
I understood that Winston used to hoard his bogies.
DEREK:
Right, he was a great bogie hoarder. I used to find a spare bucket
in his wardrobe on the weekends when I used to clear up and sometimes
after a party the whole room would be full of bogies. . . I mean,
the whole floor, and I used to go in there with a face flannel and,
you know, mop them up.
CLIVE:
I imagine it's a lot like what Freud says, like a child with its
hoarding. . . thinks it's valuable.
DEREK:
Well, I think Churchill has a point, his bogies were spectacular.
And I think if I'd been him and producing that line of bogies, I'd
have. . .
CLIVE:
Open an exhibition? Didn't he produce that legendary bogie, the
one the size of the Titanic?
DEREK:
Well, you see, the unfortunate thing was that story leaked out shortly
after the Titanic tragedy. It shouldn't have leaked out, in fact
only a few people knew about it. I'm going to tell you something
that is very, very private, and I want you to keep it under your
hat.
CLIVE:
What, the bogie?
DEREK:
No, not the bogie, don't be silly. Uh, the bogie that Winston produced
that was as big as the Titanic was, in fact, the Titanic.
CLIVE:
You mean there was no fucking Ti-fucking-tanic?
DEREK:
No.
CLIVE:
Just a big fucking bogie?
DEREK:
The Titanic was a bogie.
CLIVE:
And the poor fuckers who went on the Titanic, well, what happened?
DEREK:
Well, they sank.
CLIVE:
And the fucking band played on.
DEREK:
Well, of course, they went to sea on a bloody bogie, they didn't
go on a boat. They went on a fucking bogie, and everybody knows
a bogie is not sea-worthy. I mean, a bogie will not float! I mean,
you know how to test whether a substance is a bogie or not? You
put a bogie in a glass of beer, if it sinks to the bottom, it is
a bogie. If it floats, it is not a bogie. Those poor fuckers, they
streamed onto the Titanic, and they were streaming on to a bogie,
and off they went to sea, and, of course, it wasn't long before
the inevitable happened. . .
CLIVE:
Hit an iceberg. Another rule, isn't it?
DEREK:
Don't mix bogies with icebergs. . .
CLIVE:
Steer clear of bogies on the rocks. So, if I see one of those ads,
"Go to Majorca on a bogie", I'm going to. . .
DEREK:
Oh, forget it mate.
CLIVE:
You haven't by any chance, got one. . . Not for me, it's just for
the kids.
DEREK:
Listen, let me explain, and really, if anyone knew about this I'd
get skinned. I mean, during the whole time I was very closely inspected
and I couldn't get away with any of his bogies. People were continually
asking me and I had to refuse, because I mean the whole war effort
could just go out the window if one of these bogies got into the
wrong hands. But, towards the end I was able to get hold of a very
small one, about a quarter of an inch, and it was a jewel. . . A
very beautiful one, sort of rainbow coloured, and I thought to myself,
"Where am I going to put this?" Now, if you look up here. . . You
see the way the light plays on it?
CLIVE:
That is the most fantastic nostril I ever saw in my life. It's like
the Hanging Gardens of Babylon up there.
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