Derek and Clive(Live) was
the first genuinely philosophical album to sell more than 50 million
copies. Inevitably superstardom brought problems to these two young
men, whose only ambition was to run a quiet toilet. At first they
invested their newfound wealth wisely. Derek installed high-class
Swiss musical toilet rolls that went 'cuckoo' when pulled. Not to
be outdone Clive erected quadraphonic cisterns that played Wagner
when flushed. The Gents at the British Trade Centre became the talk
of New York. The beautiful people flocked to 'The Ultimate Kazi.'
As Clive put it so aptly, 'All the big nobs hang out here.' Peter
Cook and Dudley Moore, who fist discovered them in 1973, put a great
deal of pressure on them to embark on a World Tour. Staggering sums
of money were offered. Derek and Clive resisted, although Derek did
accept a commission to design a 'Nazi Kazi' for the National Front
in Lewisham. They were also subjected to enormous pressure from fans
and groupies. On one celebrated occassion in 1977 Clive was attacked
by an 85-year-old woman who wanted him to sign his name on her thigh
in Dayglow. Luckily his bodyguard Bruce Beame was on hand and calmed
down the hysterical woman by shoving her headfirst down a lavatory.
'That's when the fan really hit the shit,' was Clive's wry comment.
Derek, always a sensitive soul, developed strange phobias. He locked
himself in the toilet for weeks on end watching reruns of Emmerdale
Farm. He also had a morbid fear of germs and insisted on boiling his
Peugeot before going for a drive. He also wanted to boil Clive who
rightly insisted his mate should see a psychiatrist. Completely swarthed
in Bronco, Derek went to see Dr Fritz Leprechaun on 5th Avenue. The
consultation was a failure and the eminent doctor was found par-boiled
in his own fish tank. Cook and Moore finally persuaded the pair to
do a six-week tour of North Korea, where they have a huge cult following.
Unfortunately one of the huge cults followed them back to their hotel
and beat the shit out of them. Clive then turned to drugs. It seemed
harmless at first. Just the occasional 'snort' of Harpic, but this
escalated and he soon reached the stage that he couldn't reach the
stage without massive injections of Fairy Snow and Jeyes Fluid. In
October 1977 they got on what they thought was a Laker flight to Washington
and found themselves in Amsterdam. This album was recorded immediately
after their arrival. Despite their personal problems their inherant
wisdom and decency shine through once again. Will they ever work together
again? Can they resolve their artistic differences? Has stardom claimed
two more victims? We may never know. Derek collapsed after the recording
and Clive was last seen at a crematorium asking to be burnt alive
and have his ashes scattered over Gracie Fields.
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